How to keep 20-somethings from driving you crazy

Published in Outlook by the Bay magazine, January/February issue. http://www.outlookbythebay.com/

Sometimes people forget that a key word in the term “middle-aged” is the word middle, as in “stuck in the middle.” We find ourselves in the middle of various other generations, sometimes living and working with up to four different age groups. On the positive side, this gives us a unique perspective, on the negative side we can be frustrated at how people view themselves and the world.

I find that people in their 20’s are an increasingly important part of my life and work. Those in their 20’s are part of a generation known as the Millennials, born between 1980 and 2000.  The Millennial and Baby Boomer generations are equal in size, and will be the dominant adult group as this century moves forward.

If we understand some of the broad characteristics of the Millennials, it can help us get along with them better, and perhaps reduce our frustration level. We can either balk at these characteristics, or we can use what we know to build better relationships. Building better relationships ultimately allows us to share our experiences and help them take over after we have moved on.

The need for continuous feedback

More than any other group, those in their 20’s want ongoing feedback on how they are doing in work and life. One supervisor sent a newly hired young adult into the archives of a company to pull files that were needed for reference. The person quit because they had worked for four hours straight and no one had checked to let them know how they were doing. The middle-aged supervisor never dreamed this would happen.

They feel a need to be constantly connected

Millennials have grown up constantly connected, especially by cell phones and social media sites like Facebook. Connection to people can be and often is achieved within seconds at anytime day or night. While many of us like to disconnect, disconnection for a millennial can cause feelings of anxiety, if not outright panic. If you doubt this, ask to borrow their cell phone for two or three days and see what kind of reaction you get!

Life and work should be flexible and mobile

A recent study by Cisco found that 56% of recent college graduates would not take a job that did not allow them to access Facebook during work hours. This same study found that 70% of today’s college students think that being in an office on a regular basis is unnecessary. In other words, relating to people, accessing information, and being productive does not require being tied to a desk at work or home. Technology allows communication and work to be done anywhere and any place.

Learning and Hoping

A good characteristic of many Millennials is that they are more hopeful than other generations. Those who are more cynical may suggest that this is because they have not had a lot of life experience yet! Still, staying hopeful despite world conditions is not a bad place to be.

Another characteristic is that Millennials have a love of learning. They already consider themselves lifelong learners. They go into a job expecting it to be a place where they can learn.

We might ask ourselves if Millennials are that different from us, or if the realities of the world they grew up in are different. If we grew up knowing nothing but rapidly improving and easily accessible technology would we not want to have it with us at all times? If we grew up in a world where you know about every news story within minutes of it happening, would we be satisfied with a printed paper that had news that was 24 hours old?

In his book “The Millennials” authors Thom and Jess Rainer write: “For certain we are convinced this generation will make its mark. How will we receive them? How will we channel their ambitions and impatience? How will we work with them in greater service and healthy reconciliation? We better be ready.”

 

 

Whitlock on target about the Penn State child abuse scandal

While I often find Jason Whitlock annoying, he is right on the money in his editorial (linked below) today about the Penn State scandal.

No matter what the exact facts are, this appears to have been mishandled… badly. How can educated, experienced professionals mishandle child abuse? I think there is a paralyzing fear in many institutions and organizations about the corporate brand and finances. Harming the corporate brand means less money from donors, sales of books, etc., thus creating great financial harm.

The peer pressure to protect the reputation of the organization can be very strong. A few believe it is more important to protect the integrity of the organization and its people.

The weighty financial interests of any organization can push many well meaning leaders into silence. I have personally seen it happen on more than one occasion. If you hear the phrase “no money, no mission,” you know that person’s ethics card has been put aside.

I have also seen problems handled bravely and with integrity. I have seen leaders who were not worried about reputation or major donors, but about doing the best thing for the people they lead. They determined that any issues with donors or bad press would eventually work themselves out. They also believed that if doing the right thing meant closing the doors of the organization or institution, then so be it.

All of this is very easy to talk about in theory, but very difficult when you are in a room full of people in the midst of what appears to be a crisis. I have personally seen leaders make people-harming decisions for the “good of the organization.” Today, we are seeing out this turns out at Penn State.

Whitlock’s article: http://goo.gl/8O4tu

It’s Never too Late for This

From Outlook by the Bay, summer 2011

By Terry Portis

I am never quite sure how to respond when someone tells me, “The time for that has passed me by.” If I agree, is that insulting, questioning the person’s abilities? If I disagree, am I questioning whether or not a person knows their own life? Usually, I just sort of nod, but not too enthusiastically. The truth is that sometimes people give up too soon and too easily. Dreams and ideals that flourished in our 20s are crushed by the next 30 or 40 years of working too hard and too long on things we are not that thrilled by. There are two things in particular I want to focus on that are very often pushed aside in the noise and tumult in our lives. Those are broken relationships and daring to do new things.

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO REPAIR A RELATIONSHIP

We don’t remember when we stopped talking to our friend or family member. At one point we couldn’t imagine going a week or a day without checking in with them. The relation ship meant something, and life was better because that person was in it. Something happened  a disagreement, unkind words, hurt feelings  and the relationship seems lost forever.

David McCullough’s excellent book on the life of John Adams gives some fascinating details on the relation ship between John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. Their ability to work closely together and their mutual respect was known throughout the United States and Europe. Differing ideas about the French Revolution would greatly dam age their relationship. Their published writings on the topic were polar oppo sites, and they publicly criticized each other. This dispute and open criticism led to two decades when they did not speak to each other. It appeared the relationship was over.

At the urging of Benjamin Rush, a physician and fellow co signer of the Declaration of Independence, they began to correspond on a regular basis. They continued to write for 14 years before they both died on the same day in 1826. Rush simply remind ed them that they had shared some remarkable hardships and successes together, and that these were more important than the conflict that had driven them apart.

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO DO SOMETHING DARING

Three years ago a 76- year- old man decided to fulflll his dream, and climbed Mount Everest. Given the grueling training and the danger involved, this is remarkable. I am sure people told him that the time for climbing Mount Everest had passed him by, and most people would have nodded in agreement.

We have many wonderful examples of people who have done something daring later in life. At 77 an artist by the name of Grandma Moses decided to start painting. At 65 Winston Churchill became prime minister of England and dared to lead his country in a five year fight for its freedom. Albert Schweitzer ran a hospital in Af rica when he was 89, at 82 Johann Wolfgang von Goethe finished writing his famous Faust, and John Glenn became the oldest person to go into space at 77. So, today, the time is ripe to pick up the phone, or a paint brush, because it’s never too late!

Dr. Terry Portis is director of the Center on Aging at Anne Arundel Community College. He holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and can be reached at tdportis.aacc.edu 

Disability Must be Part of Diversity Initiatives

If you work for a college, government agency, or large corporation, it is likely there is some type of diversity initiative or program. In my own experience, I have seen very little mention of disabilities as a diversity issue. This is a serious oversight.

It is important for those of us who are informed about disability issues either personally or professionally to take steps to correct this. Sometimes we wait for some distant advocacy group to do this, or some professional who manages diversity efforts. Neither of these will be effective in changing things where you work.

So, we all need to take two steps. First of all, you should write an email to your supervisor and politely express how important it is to you to have disabilities represented in diversity initiatives. Secondly, find out who leads the diversity efforts where you work and ask them to include disabilities as part of the diversity program.

In my opinion, this is the best way to raise awareness of disabilities, and ensure it continues to be part of the conversation. Diversity outreach, training and hiring efforts receive a lot of attention and support, all of which could benefit people with disabilities and their families.

Repost from May 20, 2010

Understanding the Psychology of the Kiss-Up/Kick-Down Leader

In the field of organizational psychology, this type of leader was first recognized in the 1950’s. You may find yourself working for or with this type of person, and yet no one else in authority seems to recognize it.

The KU/KD person is very charming and perhaps adored by those who are friends or equal-status colleagues. They go out of their way to compliment their peers or those they view as in higher positions. However, if you are a person who is seen as inferior or who has a lower position in a company or organization, watch out! You will be subject to a barrage of negativity and blame you may have never experienced before.

The KU/KD person was likely raised by an authoritarian parent, thus molding how they interact with fellow people in authority, and those who are under their authority. Unfortunately, the KU/KD person also gravitates towards positions of authority, thus spreading their influence.

Symptoms of this Personality

In my own person experience, I find this listing of symptoms of the KU/KD person right on target.

• Mistakes are concealed
• People are under constant stress
• Power is based on fear, not respect
• Information is withheld and distorted
• Information flow is primarily from top down
• Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
• Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress
• Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent’s “poor attitudes” and “character flaws.”

(From the Authoritarian Personality study, 1950, UC-Berkley).

What can you do?

Unfortunately, this is a type of personality disorder, and there is little you can do when working for or with this type of person. If you are working for this person long term, you need to leave the organization or company as soon as possible. Their negativity will be extremely stressful and ultimately do damage to your career.

Do not think you can convince others in authority who are this person’s peers or supervisors that this person is negative and destructive. They are charismatic and have spent years developing the dedicated and “wonderful” persona.

Do not think you can talk to the person and ask them to consider changing. They do not allow anyone to challenge them, and they despise admitting mistakes. In fact, if you are questioning their decisions or behavior, they have already put a plan in motion to whisper about your own competency or value to the company or organization.

3 R’s for Excelling in Job Interviews

I always find job interviews exhausting, whether I am the interviewer, or occasionally in the past as an interviewee. These meetings can be among the most important of your life, so it is critical to have a strategy going into it. In this post, I am going to outline three principles that are especially important for people seeking professional positions.

Read the job description.

Like any other work task, you will find individual interviewers and entire search committees who do not know what they are doing. However, most interview committees are trying to determine if you have the skills and the temperament to do the job. It is frustrating, and an interview killer if the interviewee is not intimately familiar with the job description.

It takes hours of time spread over several weeks or months to develop job descriptions, post the position various places, screen dozens of resumes, and schedule interviews. If someone comes in and has evidently not evaluated the requirements of the job and matched it with their own education and experience, then they are probably not going to get hired.

Research the company or organization.

A common question is why do you want this job, and why do you want to work for this company. If you cannot respond to this basic and foundational information, you probably just blew the interview.

In this day of easy internet searches, it is easy to get the information you need. This also allows you to ask intelligent questions yourself. For example, as part of the interview you could ask “I see the organization has had five CEO’s in the last three years, can you explain why this turnover has occurred?” If the interviewer(s) do not know the answer, or just look at each other uncomfortably, maybe you should look elsewhere for a job.

Rehearse the interview.

There are plenty of sites on the internet that list questions that are asked in interviews. In fact, some of them even suggest good answers. Some managers even go to these same sites to get their questions!

You should also rehearse your answers to questions about your own resume. This is called owning your resume. If you put “skilled in office mediation” for example, you need to be able to explain what this means, and how you got to be so skilled.

As I said above, remember that most interviewers are trying to determine if you have the skills and temperament to do the job. There is also the underlying consideration if you would be someone the interviewer(s) would want to work with. In the end, these meetings may be among the most important of your life, so be ready for them!

Closing thoughts about “The Incidents” at FSK Mall in Frederick

The last week at our home has been focused, first of all, on getting my daughter off to college. A second focus has been dealing with the “incidents” at FSK Mall in Frederick. http://www.fredericknewspost.com/sections/news/display.htm?storyID=108668

After two newspaper articles, an online article, and a television news story, we think there has been sufficient coverage. Just to close out, though, with some parting thoughts.

You never know what you are going to get with the media.

We have had experience with the media several times before, usually positive, but sometimes not. We were hesitant to move forward, but thought about the people with disabilities who feel isolated, have a bad experience, and feel powerless to do anything. We were very fortunate to have an excellent television reporter and an excellent newspaper reporter. They were experienced, bright, articulate and took the time to get the correct information. They obviously were seeing these incidents our family experienced as an opportunity to raise awareness.

I still can’t believe these things happened.

I mean, really, in 2010, 30 miles outside of Washington, DC, and this kind of thing happens. We were detained, as if doing something illegal. I guess we have not come as far as we hoped with disability rights.

My earlier post about Facebook is really on target now.

This public awareness started by some posts on Facebook, some people reading it and getting angry, and contacting their contacts, and contacts of contacts. Within 36 hours the media was involved. This can only happen through a medium like Facebook, which as I said before, has its problems.

Leadership is hard.

The managers at the mall were apologetic and upset, and understandably so. This is the kind of call you hate to get, and the kind of PR no one wants. Still, unfortunately, the buck stops at your desk, and you have to deal with it, and take steps to make sure it does not happen again.

The end result looks promising.

The best outcome is that disability access and awareness training will now take place in over 30 locations across the country. Someone, or hopefully many someones, will be spared the embarrassment and frustration of having to deal with this type of intrusion in a public place.

Leaving Facebook sounds mature and righteous, but it’s actually the opposite

There has been a movement of late to encourage people to leave Facebook. Some are counter-culture types who decry the widespread use of this non-secure and privacy-invading website. Others are saying that it is getting in the way of real, authentic relationships and giving people a false sense of friendships, which are really shallow acquaintances. Some may say that it keeps people from getting out and connecting with real people face to face. They are all right, but they are all missing the bigger picture.

Facebook simply is doing too much good to be ignored or abandoned, at least until something better comes along. People with significant disabilities are connecting with others and forming communities in ways not possible for them before. Some who are too timid to request prayer for themselves or others, are asking hundreds to do so. Those who are missionaries or humanitarians in other countries can communicate freely with others about their important work. Critical issues ignored by the media, such as abject poverty or human trafficking, are being widely discussed like never before.

As with any other tool, Facebook has shortcomings and is abused by many people. Given the more than 500 million users, examples of these problems are abundant. Maybe we should also give up our telephones as well. They keep us from having real, face to face conversations. We simply call people rather than leave our homes. We don’t visit people like we should, instead just calling them. People use the telephone to gossip, to plan robberies, and to harass people. Telephones have security and privacy concerns.

The thing leaders need to do is promote the benefits of Facebook, and talk about the balanced and proper use of it. It is much easier to say “get off, give it up” and be done with it. It is harder to stay engaged day after day, manage your own behavior, and be a model of consistency for using a powerful, yet potentially misused tool.

Three principles to keep your resume from killing you

In the not too distant past, you hired a resume service to help you develop your resume. They put it on some type of parchment paper, and even helped you write a cover letter. You then mailed this out to 100 to 200 companies and waited for the call. While most people understand that today’s companies are taking resumes electronically, a lot of mistakes are still being made that are keeping people from even being considered for a job.

1. Research and personalize.

Do not do “a resume” and start submitting it to every company you can find. Some companies even have electronic scanning that eliminates people who do not include key words on their resumes. If the job description emphasizes “customer service” then make sure you edit your resume to reflect your experience and training in this area. You may even have five or six resumes on hand that emphasize project management, marketing, business development, leadership, etc. Do your research before you ever apply.

2. Layout and appearance are important.

You have all the qualifications, your training and experience are broad and impressive. Yet, all of that does not matter if the person looking at your resume thinks it looks cobbled together by someone in elementary school. Use design elements like white space, nice fonts, appropriate spacing, etc. 8 point font crammed into three or four pages will not get you anywhere. Which leads to the third principle…

3.  60 seconds.

The hard truth is that most resumes initially get about 60 seconds of review time. So, put your most important and impressive information on the front page in a clear, concise manner. IF you get past the first hurdle or two, and to an interview or two, people will spend a little more time looking at the rest of the information.

Do not, however, try to use some gimmick to get attention. I was reviewing resumes a few months ago and someone started their cover letter with “Lead, follow or get out of the way.” I knew this cliche would be followed somewhere by “outside the box thinker.” Yes, there it was a little further down. If we need someone to quote trite phrases to us, we might give him a call.

Bitter

It is an old cliche, but one I have thought about recently: “Problems will make you bitter, or make you better.” Some of the people I have been most impressed by in my life have been people who have gone through unimaginable hardship and yet seem to be an inspiration to people around them. This is not to say they do not have bad days, have not cried out to God in the middle of the night, or have not wished that they did not have to deal with significant difficulties in their lives.

One person who comes to mind is a young woman I knew who had a stroke when she was 21. The woman was a bright college student, taught children’s Sunday School, and was a model of doing things the right way. If anyone had a reason to ask “why me,” it was her. The stroke left her partially paralyzed with a speech impediment and difficulties in walking. I was brought in as a consultant to help design a tutoring program to help her learn to read again. One of her happiest days was when she had her reading to a level where she could teach children’s Sunday School again. The children did not seem to mind her various disabilities. She was a shining example of grace and encouragement to everyone who knew her.

Another gentleman I knew was injured as a college student. One night he and some friends went out on the athletic fields to see if they could make it over the high jump. He landed wrong, broke his neck, and would spend the rest of his life in a wheel chair. He was a quiet man, who went on to get his master’s degree and worked helping other people with disabilities find meaningful jobs.

Contrast these two with those who get “stuck” with the same kinds of questions over and over. “Why me,” “What is wrong that this happened,” and “I lived such a good life.” It is not wrong to think all of these things, it is just not a good place to live day after day.

In the end, some people decide to come out of tough problems and terrible situations with a glow about them. They get not just better, but bigger in the eyes of other people. Others get stuck in bitterness, and they begin to shrink, smaller and smaller into their homes filled with haunted isolation.